If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it more than John Calipari has said ”UK is everyone’s Super Bowl”—my heart belongs to Kentucky football.   No mater how many times it’s been broken and shattered into a million little pieces, I always come back for more.  I cried when The Streak ended.  I almost threw down on a Louisville fan that outweighed me by a couple hundred pounds.  In 2007, I became a shut-in for almost a week after Mississippi State upset UK in Commonwealth.  All I needed were some cats and a knitting hobby to impersonate that weird guy that gives you the creeps .  Every college football season, I’m secretly concerned the next Johnson Family outing is secretly a taping for “Intervention” because binge drinking numbs the emotional pain and torment of crushed expectations, no matter how unrealistic they might be (UKSI does not condone nor endorse binge drinking) .   

However, every National Signing Day, life springs eternal.  Optimism abounds.  I convince myself every UK recruit is secretly “the next Randall Cobb” and “the next Danny Trevathan”.  I convince myself Kentucky simply outrecruited the likes of Georgia, Tennessee, LSU, and the Chicago Bears for that stud in their back yards.  This year is no different.  General Joker, Lieutenant Tee, and their platoon of assistant coaches signed what most recruiting experts agree to be the best class in the program’s history.  Every signee out of the 25 signed were each  rated a three star recruit (out of 5 possible), which translates into a solid 2-3 year contributor in SEC play.  I won’t go into each player’s ranking on neither Scout nor Rivals.  Joker doesn’t pay attention to recruiting services, so theoretically Big Blue Nation shouldn’t either. 

Let’s have some fun, shall we?

Most likely to be confused with each other—Daron and Zack Blaylock

They’re twins.  Duh.  Their father is NBA All-Star Mookie Blaylock, so athletic ability runs in the genes.  Did you know Pearl Jam originally wanted to name their band Mookie Blaylock?  True story.  Look it up.  It turns out Eddie Vedder is quite the sports the fan. 

Most likely to be assumed he’s a triplet—Shawn Blaylock

He’s of no relation to the aforementioned other Blaylock twins.  Poor guy.  That question’s going to get old really quickly.  It probably already has. 

Dullest name—Kory Brown

Even with the “K”, you’re this season’s “John Smith”.  We’ll forgive you once you start killing Gators and Cardinals.  Then your name will strike fear.  Then they will respect you. 

Best football name—Khalid Henderson

If that’s not the best linebacker name since Jeff Snedegar Wesley Woodyard Braxton Kelly Sam Maxwell Dick Butkus, I’m getting out of show business.  I can’t wait to hear his name announced after decapitating whatever Louisville quarterback isn’t in jail the next couple of years. 

Best Chippendales dancer name—DeMarcus Sweat

Catch some touchdown passes and earn some All-SEC recognition first, DeMarcus.  Then we can discuss your post-football career.  You’ve got a bright future in the entertainment industry.  No judgement. 

Best nickname—Kadeem “Pancho” Thomas

I don’t know how he got this nickname.  I don’t want to know.  I really don’t care.  All I know is it’s AWESOME. 

Player most likely to break Alabama’s heart—Justin Taylor

I have a feeling Nick Saban is #1 on Taylor’s “To Kill” list. 

Player most likely to beat up his brother—Langston Newton

Older brother Morgan Newton best watch his “p’s and q’s.”  Little brother is a hoss and won’t take no lip. 

Player with the best Star Wars reference name—Jon Toth

Toth rhymes with Hoth, the Empire Strikes Back frozen planet the Rebel Alliance was using as a hideout from The Empire after The Death Star was destroyed in Star Wars: A New Hope.  Good Lord, I’m a geek.  No wonder I’m single.  Anyway, his name makes me want to play with my AT-AT and Imperial Probe Droids.  Be more like Han Solo, less like Luke Skywalker. 

Player with the most jersey sales—Patrick Towles

The crown jewel of the class, history has shown us how good Ft. Thomas Highlands quarterbacks can be (see Lorenzen, Jared).  The Parade All-American has all the tools to be all-conference before his UK days are over.  Little kids from Pikeville to Paducah will be begging Santa Claus for a #14 Kentucky jersey underneath the tree.  Chris Collinsworth sings his praises.  I don’t like the Bengals. 

Go Big Blue.  Go Joker.  Go Tee.  Kill Louisville.  Keep The Streak alive. 

If not, come drag me out of the bar come football season.  I’ll need a ride home.